I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize