The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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