this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
