His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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