Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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