And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize