What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
