i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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