I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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