I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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