thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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