i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
