Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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