There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
