Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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