Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize