literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
