And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
