There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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