She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
