If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
