Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize