Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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