R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
