i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
