3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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