i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
