Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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