Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
