Swine flu. Run for my life!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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