my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize