he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Also, beer. Big fan.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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