My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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