There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
