it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
