i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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