I understand why you refuse to be sober now
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
