i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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