My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
