i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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