T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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