Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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