We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
