i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Even my vagina gasped.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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