GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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