OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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