I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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