Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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