my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
