ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
