Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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