Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
