But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
