Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
