I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
