I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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