I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
