i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
