Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
