There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
